The Wrong Guy

Confession time. I went on a date and ending up sort of chatting up someone else!

Of course now I feel a bit bad, but to be honest the date wasn't going all that well and I was finding it hard to keep the conversation going. After about an hour and a half I happened to spot someone I know, and between you and me, quite fancy! There would never be anything going on between me and this fancy man, he's not the type to get involved with if you know what I mean. But he is always good company and I was in certainly in need of that! I popped over to say hello and then stayed a little longer than was formally polite. By which I mean I was blatantly flirting with him.

The thing is, rotten as I feel, I'm trying to figure out whether what I did was really all that terrible? Impolite, yes but terrible? I was really having to work hard to stop the conversation from grinding to a halt with this guy, he was hardly putting in any effort in at all and I was beginning to lose the will to carry on. Everytime I stopped talking in the desperate hope he would take the hint and say something he looked at me as if there was something wrong, like I wasn't fulfilling my side of the deal. In fact now I think of it, at one point he really did say, "You've gone quiet". I simply couldn't resist the temptation for a bit of light relief.

So, final conclusion. I know I was wrong to leave the poor guy sitting there, I was wrong to indulge in a little flirting - but do I regret squeezing a bit of a laugh out of the evening? Got to say, I don't think I do!

The Advantages of Being Single

The advantages of being single are frankly not taken seriously enough. More likely to be seen as platitudes or ‘keeping your chin up’, reasons for enjoying the single life are actually life enhancing, good for the soul and blissful respite for those recovering from a difficult past relationship. So let’s here it for the advantages of being single!

1) Being free from arguments, other people’s moods and the silent treatment. You are free to enjoy any mood of your own choosing! It can actually be revealing to find out what you are like temperament wise left to your own devices. And if you’ve been through a tough time, now is the time to let your poor nerves heal.

2) Not always having to worry about what you look like or having a bad hair day.

3) Watching what you like on TV. And the main TV of the house as well!

4) Having the time to have a life of your own. Always had a hankering to learn how to scuba dive? Do it. If you fancy something a bit more sedate then check out your local evening courses. You can salsa, crochet, appreciate wine or cook soufflé until your heart’s content. It’s your time! I should probably also add start up a blog to that list. :)

5) Doing things on the spur of the moment. I’m guilty of not making the most of this one actually. But if you want to do anything from taking yourself off for the weekend to just giving up on the housework and settling in to a DVD and a glass of wine, why the hell not?!

6) Daring to be different. Sometimes it’s hard to believe this seeing as other - well meaning enough - people seem to feel so sorry for you. But daring to be on your own, to not succumb to the pressure to rush into the next relationship, any relationship, is the braver choice.

My Market Value

I honestly don’t think I’m that shallow when it comes to finding someone right for me. My past boyfriends have not been the most handsome guys in the world and that never mattered to me. But sometimes it is disheartening to come face to face with how someone views you, where they see your ‘market value’ being these days. By someone, I mean a friend. And by market value, I mean realising that because you are in your late thirties and single, any old guy will do. I’ve been introduced to a guy a few times now (not very tactfully either) who is the last person in the world I’d ever consider going out with.

I’m shocked, genuinely shocked, to find myself put in the path of someone who, 10 years ago I would have raised eyebrows at going out with! And in case you think I’m dismissing a lovely personality, all this has been taken into account - I’m really not.

The Disadvantages of Being Single - My Top 10

The disadvantages of being single are surprisingly well known to those in a relationship. Or so it would appear anyway as I am seemingly constantly reminded of them. It’s why I have become so fond of social gatherings! Here are some of my favourite disadvantages of being single. Feel free to add some of your own:

1) People thinking your ‘love life’ is an acceptable topic of conversation without boundaries or limits or respect for your private feelings. Having to answer the question ‘why?’ regarding your single status - as if you’d know.
2) Being approached by married men but given a wide birth by single men. Not just odd, but also great for the self esteem!
3) Going to weddings on your own. Talk about rubbing your nose in it.
4) Not being able to go to the pub/a movie/a restaurant pretty much when I like.
5) A disadvantage of being single that confuses me more than anything is how you suddenly become regarded as having always been single. I noticed this happening within weeks of my last major break up and it was like I may as well have been 5 years old for all I knew about relationships.
6) Not having as much money as those in couples.
7) Having no one on your side when you’ve had a bad day. Or anyone to run big, life changing decisions by.
8) Being used to bolster the self esteem of women who are in a relationship. They do this by endlessly going on about how lovely their partner has been to them, safe in the knowledge that you have no come back. An abuse of your friendship at worst, just plain boring at best.
9) The big, fat question mark that hangs over your future.
10) Always having to do the washing up.

Actually aside from the emotional aspects, I’ve made the disadvantages of being single all seem pretty trivial! Next post, let’s see how immaterial I can make the advantages of being single.

Cooking up a bit of Romance

Believe it or not, Jamie Oliver has branched out into the dating market with his new venture. Apparently he wants to help those who love food to love each other. Despite how that sounds, it’s not dating for the overweight but is in fact bringing those with a shared interest in cookery together, a dating site for foodies. Personally, I can’t think of anything worse but this is because this is yet another area that I’m an incompetent idiot in.

But that doesn’t stop me wondering how their conversations will go. And how far do they go on a first date?? Would it be considered too forward to share family recipes? I reckon that’s a third date matter.

I doubt I’ll ever found out the answer to these fascinating questions. I’m afraid this is another aspect of the dating game that will exclude me - and no doubt from the dinner parties that result from them getting together as well!

Ed Byrne and Weddings

I went to see Ed Byrne last night and he was predictably absolutely hilarious! It may be a cliché but laughter is the best medicine and I’m feeling pretty chipper today.


While he had a kind of theme around class and where to place yourself these days, a lot of the biggest laughs were for his piece on his wedding and the ridiculous amount of fuss that surrounded it. If this was truly to be the happiest day of their lives, he argued, shouldn’t it be the one day when tiny details would matter the LEAST?! Now , he claims, he wakes up to marital bliss every day - all down to knowing that he doesn’t have wedding to organise.

I’m even more convinced than ever that all you need for the perfect wedding is a plan to elope and a couple of bottles of champagne :)

EHarmony gets a ticking off

Ok, I’ve been looking at the news for online dating again so you can guess that things aren’t too exciting around here. I came across this a couple of hours ago - online dating company eHarmony have been rapped for misleading ads in their bid to take over the UK market for sad singletons (I‘m paraphrasing). The idea that a large company was being accused of false advertising is hardly surprising. I don’t believe anyone bolted upright in their chair at the mention of the statistic that “2% of US newly weds met via the site”. I find it more surprising that anyone fought their way through the fog of inertia to complain to be honest.

But there was something that struck me. Towards the end it mentions that it fails to point out in its advertising that in 20% of cases, they failed to find a match! What does that mean?? I’ve never looked at the service so I don’t know how it works but is this saying that 20% of all people who sign up are not fit for love? For relationships? For human interaction? I’m not remotely surprised that they fail to mention it, it’s got to be one of the scariest concepts I’ve ever heard of. And reason enough to stay away. That’s something about myself I don’t want to know.

Online Dating Etiquette

Seeing as online dating is a relatively new phenomenon, what shape do you think etiquette will take? Will it be identical to face to face dating? Should it be? Or will a new language and behaviour all of its own come in?

I’ve been talking to a number of guys online for a while now and it’s certainly a mixed set of rules. Some prefer to take their time and build up a rapport. Some propose meeting up from practically the first email. Some ask for more photos of you outright and some hold back despite their obvious curiosity. And so on. Horses for course I guess.

But I find it amusing that technology has somewhat commandeered the order of things. If there is any kind of a pattern to this, I’d say it was thus: from emails to swapping MSN addresses, to swapping phone numbers, which leads to texting first and then talking, which finally, if you have the stamina to last this long, leads to a date. Sometimes you can get through all of these stages in a day, sometimes it can take weeks. It certainly means that you have a wealth of contact details for someone before you’ve even set eyes on them.

So how instructive are all of these tools of communication for getting to know someone? The old fashioned way of meeting someone in a pub or club took a little guts. Braving rejection, you went to talk to them and tried to find something in common as you bellowed at the top of your lungs to one another. But it was pretty brief by online dating standards. You got a number or a date within the hour and also had learned whether the individual had lived up to appearances.

The other thing about pub dating was that you were likely to have significantly fewer options than with online dating and maybe this should tell us something. The techno version allows you to chat to literally hundreds of people if you so wish. But exactly how many people can you keep track of? What do you find out or remember of anyone? We talk more but do we say more. Maybe there was something more intimate about meeting someone while out, and frankly that’s saying something.

So here I start to wonder whether the aforementioned etiquette is actually more habit. Have we fallen into a new routine hoping that love will somehow fall into place somewhere along the line? Somehow, I’m a little doubtful that this will happen if we don’t use this new method with more aim.

But there is one thing I do particularly like. Much as I rarely have found the contact through technology to be particularly revealing when it comes to the positive sides of someone’s character, I have found it has weeded out a few unsuitables. There are those who can talk eloquently via electronic means but I’ve been surprised to find over the phone that they lacked that special something. I guess that at least has saved me an evening.

The Elite of the Beautiful People?

You may have seen some discussions about the online dating site beautifulpeople.com lately as it seems to be courting controversy by only allowing attractive people - as rated by their current members - to join up and fraternise with one another. The general consensus amongst commentators is that this is no way to approach finding love because it’s “superficial” and “shallow” and totally against the “beauty is only skin deep” mantra that we sagely nod along to these days.

But how about “misguided”? Possibly even “immature”. I mean, I know looks are undoubtedly one of the most important factors for judging others when we meet someone and there is no way we can deny the overwhelming power of physical attraction. But I can’t help but notice that looks are not the greatest indicator of successful relationships. Hollywood may be the home of the beautiful people but sadly doesn’t have such a great track record when it comes to enduring marriages.

And thinking about it, this actually seems to be bear out as a theory in my own life. All of the best looking people that I know are still unmarried or single in their thirties, the happily paired up ones are a little on the homely side. But lovely people, all of them, of course.

Weirder still is that none of this will stop me fretting over the way I look and trying to aim for perfection - however woefully short I may fall. Go figure.

Oh, nothing really

I had a bad week this week. Nothing major in the grand scheme of things, but it was certainly what they call 'a challenge'. There are very few times when being single truly affects me but for some reason it hit home these last few days. While friends and family can be a real support to you (and they have been great) it can be difficult to reach out to them to often as you want as you don't want to appear needy.

But this is hard in itself - being in a relationship offers you support on tap (ok, not always, I appreciate that). But you have to deal with so much more when you're on your own, find the strength not to collapse in a heap and solider on the hard way. I don't really have a point to make on this, but just wanted to acknowledge our guts!

I have a feeling this is a subject I'll return to at some point.

Science and Soulmates?

I don’t usually go anywhere near the Mail online but this article intrigued me - although possibly didn’t surprise me all that much. If you’re not inclined to read it, and who could blame you, it focuses on psychometric testing and its uses in matching people on dating sites.

It intrigued me as it got me thinking over some of the experiences I’ve had - dates that I‘ve thought should have gone well, people that I shouldn‘t have fancied but have. The article correctly points out that there is no substitution for attraction, but just where does attraction come from anyway? And since when was it based on logical processes?? I fell for an ex the moment I laid eyes on him and it turned out the be the worse mistake of my life. He was in no way a looker, don’t get me wrong. Just felt immensely drawn to him. Another guy I dated for a while was the epitome of sweetness but I couldn’t, try as I might, see him as anything other than a friend. I can also recall someone that I emailed back and forth once on a dating site and couldn’t believe how clever and erudite this guy was. I LOVED talking to him - online. Within 5 minutes of being on the phone with him I was bored rigid and truly started to question if it was the same guy!

I wonder if psychometric testing could make sense of any of that for me? And if it can, I doubt it could persuade me to make different decisions. Maybe we’re just not good at doing what’s best for ourselves.

Anyways, the article certainly drew no conclusions (and neither did the comments underneath it) - some seemed to know right away when talking to a prospective partner online, some were left feeling disappointed. So what? Seems to me that psychometric testing creates just the same odds as luck - some you win, some you lose!

Angela x

Well What Do You Know...

You go and sign up to a dating site and then you meet someone the natural way. But before you imagine that I’ve got my love life all sorted, there’s a catch. I’m already not seeing him any more. But I did think it was a great case of sod’s law all the same.

I was actually just popping out to get a few bits from the shop for a quiet Sunday when I bumped into a friend and her brother having a quiet drink. I joined them, it all got a lot less quiet and then for reasons that I can’t quite remember, she turned round to a couple of Italian guys behind us and we all got chatting. Before you know it, I was having a full on night out complete with booze, pulling and swapping phone numbers.

Anyways, I saw him a couple of times after that night and had a great time but for some reason I just didn’t feel we clicked. And I’ve kind been left wondering why? I’ve often wondered at what it is that makes the difference between someone that you like and someone that drives you crazy! Am I now just being too picky I wonder. I have to say that I don’t think that I am - I’m waiting to meet someone that floats my boat and nothing else will do. Is that so wrong??

I've Done It!

I’ve signed up and got started. I’m officially dating. What was good was that I didn’t even have to leave the house to do it. What was bad was writing that wretched, embarrassing, demeaning profile bit. How would I know what I’m like? Anything I do know about myself should not be revealed to strangers, so it’s all a bunch of lies (well some of it anyway). It’s pointless and yet completely necessary at the same time.

So what am I expecting? I’m really having to force myself not to expect the same as last time I did this, I have to say. Last time was ruined (within weeks) by an absolute nutter, and quite a scary one too. I like to think that this time I would recognise the warning signs. Warning signs such as:

1) Conversation that pretty much stuck to how much women got their own way all the time thanks to their feminine wiles.
2) Describing his divorce in minute and bitter detail.
3) Sending emails demanding to know why I haven’t agreed to see him again.
4) Followed by emails that claim I ensnare men for my psychological experiments.

As a disclaimer I would like to state that I have never, ever conducted experiments on men. Not for psychological reasons or for pleasure.

I hope you can see why I would like to avoid this type like the plague this time round. I will update when I have some news!

Other People's Relationship Disasters - And Me

Another day, another excuse as to why I haven’t done any online dating yet. I’ve got a sort of an excuse though, albeit a lame one. This last week, I have been far too closely involved in two people’s relationship problems. Friend number 1 is going through a break up with someone who has suddenly developed the emotional age of a 3 year old. Don’t get me wrong, he was hardly my favourite bloke in the world before hand but even I’m amazed at the shocking decline. Watching the heartbreak is painful in itself.

Second friend has given me deeper cause for concern, principally because the incident became so personal to me. I went round her and her partner’s house for the evening, only for her to get totally bladdered and accuse her boyfriend and myself of there being something going on! Nothing could be further from the truth and he is the last guy IN THE WORLD that I would even consider it with. Trouble is, how do you defend yourself with something like that? It’s going to cause further offence and then you’re in deeper than you were before.

So, both other people’s problems. But they’ve really made me value the lack of - relationship induced - complications in my life at the moment! Not really what I needed in terms of online dating motivation. I’m hoping that this week will provide something, anything(!) to get me started.

Any suggestions???

Forget Online Dating - Let's Talk Bowing and Breeches

Just before Christmas I posted a blog (although I’ve switched everything over to blogspot so the dates will look all wrong) about the trials of being single at that time of year. One of the pluses, I mused at the end, was drinking wine and watching chick flicks to my heart’s content. Well, never let it be said that I’m not a woman of my word.

I watched costume drama after costume drama - Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Emma. I positively gorged on it. Before long all real men, who committed no other crime than to simply walk past me on the street, took on a strange, ‘not from this world’ type feel and you don’t need to tell me that that’s not a positive thing. I had willingly altered my own perspective and ruled out all men of under 300 years old. Kind of weird when you think about it (please don‘t).

So, what is it about women and costume dramas? Why is it we go so doolally about men in breeches?? I know that this is hardly an original concept but it’s no less true for it. And there seems to be a resurgence in interest at the moment. Just before Christmas, I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine about Rupert Penry-Jones in Persuasion. Nothing odd there, you might say, he looks great. But this particular friend of mine is just about the most modern woman I know. She gets away with the most cutting edge fashion, always knows the latest celebrity gossip and the music she listens too always seems to me to be beamed straight in from iTunes. Ok, I might not be painting the most appealing picture of her (for the record, she’s absolutely lovely) but you surely get the picture. She oozes modernity. Everything about her is effortlessly ’of the minute’.

So why was she sighing and wistfully talking about swanning around in an empire line dress!? Let’s have a guess:

Justification number 1. These classic stories always tell the tale of young men desperately in love. This leads us to believe that ALL young men of days of old were desperately in love, and that had you been there, you’d have been tripping over them every time you left the house. Dosed up on Austen as I am, even I’m not daft enough to believe that.

Justification number 2. It all comes down to manners. If only men realised the irresistible charm of a man with manners. Bowing and breeches do go particularly well together, but all the same, a millennium man could learn a thing or 2 from these guys. Even Mr Darcy, who was considered to be a bit of a pompous arse had a shed load of manners!

Justification (lame though it is) number 3. We love the dresses. Maybe if we’re all (I’m) completely honest it’s probably a bit narcissistic really. Frankly, looking that lovely and floaty all the time must be a dream. How could you be anything BUT a man magnet?! I can’t imagine why we ever changed.

In case you hadn’t guessed I’ve done bugger all in the way of online dating this week and, in fact this year so far. What’s my excuse? Is it my pride?? Prejudice??? Nope, just too damn lazy.
Final verdict for this week - must try harder.

Christmas Dating - or lack of it

Ok, I said no more excuses but I can’t really be expected to get dating so close to Christmas can I?? There’s simply too much to do. Shopping, food planning, visiting, swapping presents, eating mince pies. That last one seems to have taken more of my time than the others to be honest, but hey, Christmas comes but once a year.

If you happen to be single, what’s it like being with your family at this time of year? I must admit, mine aren’t too bad. Or at least they don’t make it any worse than it has to be.

Personally, I’ve never really minded attending family gatherings on my own, maybe because my last partner was so rarely around I think most people didn’t believe he actually existed. So it’s no big deal for me to go somewhere on my own. I’m used to it.

However, there are most definitely some little but consistent indignities to bear. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t shoved off the end of a sofa and relegated to the floor. Why does this always have to happen to the single people in the room?? Why is it so unimportant that their arses are pampered and comfy? Sitting on a pouf when you’re 37 is NOT appropriate. Or maybe it’s just me.

Indignity number 2: being asked about your love life. I know, it’s a cliché but I’m sorry to say, Bridget Jones was right about this one. It’s a personal question for crying out loud! Asking somebody about the state of their marriage would be considered an impertinence, and rightly so. However I respond, it always manages to create an awkward atmosphere. There’s only 1 correct answer to this, and it’s ‘actually, it’s going great, I’ve met someone called Joe, he works in accounts…blah, blah’ etc. If you can’t provide that answer, you’re buggered.

Third indignity has to be buying other people’s children presents. I know that single and childless don’t necessarily go hand in hand, but in my case they do and I cannot put into words the stress and blind panic such a chore invokes. The final slap in the face comes from the blank, unimpressed expressions on their faces when they open them.

But hey-ho (or ho ho), Christmas is coming whether or not we choose to get on and enjoy it and I have to sneakily admit that I do. I cannot get enough of the lights, the jingle bells and the promises of TV delights!

So, the pluses of the single Christmas? I get to sit indoors drinking wine and watching chick flicks to my heart’s content with my Mum!! See, it isn’t all bad, this single life :)

Well, it's a start...

Double click dating. Not particularly romantic sounding is it? But then neither is online or internet dating and they’ve both done alright as terms that rapidly entered into common usage. How that happened I’ll never know, but my guess would be that everything else to do with being on the web is so impersonal, solitary and unsexy that adding dating for sad loners no longer seems out of place. Just a thought.

It could well be just me, because I can still remember a time when ‘personal ads’ and ‘lonely hearts’ were an excruciating embarrassment. And I grant you that online dating does sound positively cuddly in comparison.

But anyway, frisson free and hollow sounding though it is, online dating as a phrase is here to stay whether I like it or not. So, that’s what my oh so clever title is meant to represent - online dating. Haha, bet your sides are splitting.

You may have dabbled yourself, or have recently become single and decided that it’s time to start ‘getting out there’ again. I’ll tell you something else about yourself if any of those are true. You’re probably at least 30, spend most of your time at work with people who hardly set your pulse racing and have had at the very least one serious long term relationship (and consequently feel it‘s something you should be doing again even though you‘re slightly terrified).

Yep, that may be you but you have correctly guessed that it sums me up too. So, we’re in it together!

Seeing as it’s my first blog, I suppose it’s time for the awkward intros (for that read ‘dating profile‘ now we‘ve gone techno) so here goes:
Hi, my name is Angela, I’m 37, and I live in East Anglia. I never know what to say in these things lol! I like going to the theatre and walking. I have a great sense of humour and am looking for a kind and sensitive man I can talk to.

Scrap that. Here’s how that should read:
My name is Angela, I live in East Anglia (you’ll never track me down in the midst of all that fenland!) and I’m 37. I have been single for about 2 years, and after a few dalliances, run ins and arguments I decided that it was time to start getting off my arse and become an acceptable member of society again, ie. One half of a couple. Don’t ask me any more questions ok?? I’m just not good in these situations. Bugger off.

Actually, even that’s not strictly true. I find many couples far from socially acceptable. Also, I have actually tried the dating thing before. Last summer in fact I gave the old match.com thing a try but it must be said my heart really wasn’t in it. Even more so 5 or 6 dates down the line, after discovering that I appeal to dull, fat, balding nut jobs, and ONLY dull, fat, balding nut jobs, at which point I simply ceased to care.

But, hope springs eternal, and here I am again. My reason for starting a blog? Firstly, I thought that it might stop me from making too many excuses this time round and force me to actually get out there - so you can be my virtual conscience if you will. And if last time is anything to go by, it’ll give me a sounding board to go off one on when someone pisses me off.

Now, if I’ve come across a little jaded and cynical, maybe that’s because I am. But I’m not all bad. I actually love being in love, and the unparalleled thrill of getting to know someone who genuinely intrigues you. I’m never happier than when hidden away in a corner of a pub somewhere, getting thoroughly engrossed in a deep/ridiculous conversation. I love being with a man who’s good to talk to (grossly under-rated that one). I mean, Moulin Rouge is one of my favourite films for Christ’s sake, I must be romantic at heart!

Succeed I must and persevere I will (try). In with meeting new people, out with misanthropy. Same goes for making an effort versus slippers. And exercise and chocolate for that matter. No more excuses, the journey begins here. Feel free to point at me and laugh along the way.